“It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.”
― Mark Twain


One thing about my family. We are stubborn. When we get our minds set on something, rarely do we change our minds. I've noticed the same thing about Abby. She has that same Skinner stubborness that we were all blessed with.


I've heard more about what happened at Cathy's house. Apparently, Abby and Cathy had had a bit of a heated discussion over living arrangements for my nephew Ryan, who Abby, of course, did not want to be left stranded. You see, Ryan came to stay with my sister Cathy's son Joey and his girlfriend. As those things sometimes go, once the honeymoon is over, after the fun stops, trouble usually comes along. That's what happened with them.


Then, of course, my two sisters discussed the situation and did not see eye-to-eye. Abby like the mother bear that she is came to Ryan's aid. Cathy felt offended, since it was her home. The next thing you know, Abby said she was leaving. I guess the honeymoon for them too, was over.


Abby felt Cathy should come to her, Cathy felt like Abby should come to her...and well...what happened was that Abby left Cathy's and it wasn't on good terms.


They have spoken a couple of times, but not much lately. 


On the other hand, we have my sister Connie, another stubborn sister, indeed. She met Abby for those three days. She judged Abby the first days that she met Abby. She said that Abby was stuck-up and snobby and acted too good for our family. She never gave her a chance after that. She's ignored Abby's calls every since.


It's a shame that Abby wasn't given a bit more of a chance in the beginning. All that she wanted was her family. Instead what she got was a bunch of stubborn people who weren't willing to give her the chance to get past her initial meetings.


Abby is a traumatized person. She may be a stubborn as the rest of us, but she needs more of a chance. She has gone through more than any of us have gone through. We owe that to Abby.


One person who is giving Abby that chance is my sister Kelly. My sister Kelly has opened her home and her life to Abby and her husband Guy. 


Just as before, once that honeymoon phase wore off, trouble began with them. Kelly and Abby are at odds most of the time. Abby moved across the street from Kelly. They keep trying to be friends but they are so much alike that they can't seem to get along.


Kelly doesn't understand Abby and Abby doesn't understand Kelly.


That's not because Abby is the only one that has been damaged by life. As I've said in previous posts, we have all seen our share of trauma in our lives. 


Is bringing together two damaged people ever going to work? Will counseling be the answer? Will all of our strong-willed siblings ever be able to get along?


I think that the important part is for none of us to give up on Abby as we have given up on each other so many times. We need to be as strong for each other as we are against each other. 


If we all put as much energy making sure we get along as we do fighting, we might just find our fences mended.


With that said, I still do not talk to two of my sisters, but I pray every day that God touches our family in a way that we will one day reunite and put our troubles behind us.


And there is still the matter of finding baby #1.

Who Ever Said Life Would Be Easy?

Martin Luther King Jr. Said:
We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.

After what has happened with Abby, I find myself fearful to find our other sister.

Yet, I am so glad that I found Abby. I can't imagine what life would be like if I didn't find her.

Does Abby wish that she wasn't found? Was her life better or worse before I found her? Did I ruin her life by finding her?

If I found our other sister? Would her life be turned upside down the same way Abby's has?

Would it just be more loss?

I don't want to be afraid. I want to build up a dike of courage and I want to find her. 

In the meantime, I will continue to pray for healing for our family.

Who ever said life would be easy, right?

Our Problems are Like an Onion

The aching in my heart for my family is not the kind of ache that you would imagine. 


Some people might describe heartache as glass shattering against  granite tile, however, that is not the kind of ache that my heart feels.

My heart aches with a gnawing sadness-- A kind of tugging, like a mule pulling a heavy cart might feel. 

I feel like my family has been torn apart.

For one thing, the family that was brought up together can't get along to save our lives. Most of us don't speak to each other. The other half that do speak, does so with malice and contempt for the ones that do not get spoken to. 

And now, this magical reunion that we had with Abby has turned into another round of heartache.

It seems as though time and distance can play a very large role in the lives of families that have adoptions. I have said before, in earlier posts, that siblings need a chance to get to know each other, and I meant it. 

My sisters have all, so far, failed to get along. Why? Where did things go wrong? I have been asking myself that every since I learned of the latest problems that my sisters were having.

I believe that the answer is more complicated than any of us can answer. 

I think that our problem is like the proverbial onion--layers and layers of stuff outside--and then once you get to the center, it makes us cry.

My sister Kelly said that we probably need therapy to deal with this problem. I would agree.

Each and every one of us have deep-rooted issues that we have within ourselves. I believe that unless we heal ourselves, we can't try to heal each other. 

I can look at each and every one of my siblings and honestly say to them that they need therapy--including myself. We have all been through a rough and crazy life. We all carry pain, heartache, addiction, depression, anxiety, and we don't know what to do with ourselves outside of trying to cover it up.

That goes for each.and.every.one.of.us.

I think that unless we heal ourselves, we cannot try to heal our relationships.

We have to be willing to open ourselves up to the pain that we feel in our own lives. If we don't, will we be able to deal with the pains that our siblings are feeling?

We have issues of abandonment, loss, aggressiveness, repression, unresolved feelings, passivity, distrust, lack of self-confidence,emotional pain, confusing fears, isolation, low self-esteem, fears, unhappiness,  and the list goes on and on.

Unless we confront these problems within ourselves, we will not know how to communicate with our siblings.

I feel that what has happened with Abby and my siblings is that Abby came into the family with her own set of problems--possibly abandonment and trust issues--and mixed them up with siblings who had their own set of pains--like loss and low-self esteem. What resulted was a clash of personalities and a clash of problems.

I can only pray that my family--each and every one of us--can find our ways back to each other. I pray that one day we can all sit down at the same table and laugh and cry and be what we really want to be...brothers and sisters. <3

The Prisoner by: EMILY BRONTË

In the dungeon crypts idly did I stray, Reckless of the lives wasting there away; "Draw the ponderous bars; open, Warder stern!" He dare not say me nay– the hinges harshly turn. "Our guests are darkly lodged,"  I whispered, gazing through the vault whose grated eye showed heaven more grey than blue. (This was when glad spring laughed in awaking pride.) "Aye, darkly lodged enough!" returned my sullen guide. Then, God forgive my youth, forgive my careless tongue! I scoffed, as the chill chains on the damp flagstones rung; "Confined in triple walls, art thou so much to fear, That we must bind thee down and clench thy fetters here?" The captive raised her face; It was as soft and mild as sculptured marble saint or slumbering, unweaned child; It was so soft and mild, it was so sweet and fair, Pain could not trace a line nor grief a shadow there! The captive raised her hand and pressed it to her brow: "I have been struck," she said, "and I am suffering now; Yet these are little worth, your bolts and irons strong; And were they forged in steel they could not hold me long." Hoarse laughed the jailor grim: "Shall I be won to hear; Dost think, fond dreaming wretch, that I shall grant thy prayer? Or, better still, wilt melt my master's heart with groans? Ah, sooner might the sun thaw down these granite stones! "My master's voice is low, his aspect bland and kind, But hard as hardest flint the soul that lurks behind; And I am rough and rude, yet not more rough to see than is the hidden ghost which has its home in me! About her lips there played a smile of almost scorn: "My friend,"  she gently said,  "you have not heard me mourn; When you my parents' lives- my lost life, can restore, Then may I weep and sue- but never, Friend, before!" "Yet, tell them all, I am not doomed to wear Year after year in gloom and desolate despair; A messenger of Hope comes every night to me, And offers, for short life, eternal liberty. He comes with western winds, with evening's wandering airs, with that clear dusk of heaven that brings the thickest stars; Winds take a pensive tone, and stars a tender fire,  and visions rise and change which kill me with desire– "Desire for nothing known in my maturer years When joy grew mad with awe at counting future tears; When, if my spirit's sky was full of flashes warm, I knew not whence they came, from sun or thunderstorm; "But first a hush of peace, a soundless calm descends; The struggle of distress and fierce impatience ends; Mute music soothes my breast-unuttered harmony that I could never dream till earth was lost to me. "Then dawns the Invisible, the Unseen its truth reveals; My outward sense is gone, my inward essence feels its wings are almost free, its home, its harbour found; Measuring the gulf it stoops and dares the final bound! "Oh, dreadful is the check-intense the agony When the ear begins to hear and the eye begins to see; When the pulse begins to throb, the brain to think again, the soul to feel the flesh and the flesh to feel the chain! "Yet I would lose no sting, would wish no torture less;  The more that anguish racks the earlier it will bless; And robed in fires of Hell,  or bright with heavenly shine, If it but herald Death, the vision is divine." She ceased to speak, and we, unanswering turned to go– We had no further power to work the captive woe; Her cheek, her gleaming eye, declared that man had given a sentence unapproved, and overruled by Heaven.

Wake Up and Live!

Bob Marley said: "Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you're riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"


I've always been known as the person who runs from a fight. Whether it was a couple of kids fighting it out at school when I was young or if it was the man and wife who lived next door who would scream at each other and knock over furniture until the cops showed up. I was never the one to stick around when things got heated. 

I don't keep a great many friends around me. I have one really great friend with whom I've been friends with for nearly 30 years.

Sometimes, it seems like friends are more work than what I'm willing to invest in. I figure, if they are true friends, they will stick around. After all, friendship isn't something that should have to be a lot of work.

I have a life that is full of college classes for both my husband and myself. When I have to juggle that and four growing children, I find it hard to try to deal with the stress. 

While some people have the fight or flight response to stress, I have the freeze response. 

The website stresstop.com says: 

"THE FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE has got a new name. It's now called the fight, flight or freeze response. Stress experts around the world are adding the word freeze to the name in deference to the fact that instead of fighting or fleeing, sometimes we tend to freeze (like a deer in the headlights) in traumatic situations. The freeze response works differently. When we're overwhelmed by an attacker and we perceive that there is NO HOPE of surviving we tend to FREEZE."

Every since I was a little girl, I have always had this way to freeze in stressful situations. 

I've always attributed this to a time that I don't remember. When I was just a little child, two to three years old, I had a couple of serious accidents that nearly killed me. If my father, who had been a volunteer fireman, were alive to tell you, he'd probably tell you that I, indeed, had died.

The first time, was by drowning. My family found me face-down in the family swimming pool. They pulled my lifeless, grey body out of the water and I had no vital signs. My father, continued my resuscitation because my mother was insane with panic. Eventually, after many breaths and compressions, he brought me back to life.

The second time, was when I was hit by a motorcycle. My brother had been riding down the dirt road in front of our house, when I ran out as he came by. The accident split my head open like a melon in the back,  tore a gash down my thigh, broke both of my collar bones, and finally, sent me into convulsions.

I feel lucky to be alive, and while I don't 'remember' what happened to me in my waking mind, I feel that my subconscious does remember. 

I believe that there is a part of me that remembers the seconds before getting hit, that it remembers the panic as I gulped water into my lungs.

When I get stressed, and I feel panicked, my heart rate does not raise nor do I get high blood pressure, instead, my blood pressure lowers, and I go deep within myself where things are calm and mellow.

Some people may think that I simply don't take life seriously. Take, for example, my husband; who says that I joke too much when I am stressed. The reason that I do that is because if I did not laugh and joke, I'd probably cry. It's another one of my coping mechanisms. 

I have brought this to attention because a sister of mine commented on my blog today. She rebutted things that I've posted, and of course, she is angry with me. 

I can not please all of the people all of the time, and I also can not agree with every person all of the time.

This blog is purely my take on my sister's adoptions and all of the things that have occurred since I have found one of them.

I have tried not to be ugly or mean, I have merely tried to tell the truth as I have seen it.

So, in order to keep my sanity, I have deleted her comments, and I've decided to move on with my blog regardless of what has been posted.

And as Bob Marley would have said, I am ready to: "Wake up and live."

Getting to Know You

This song is for Abby and to the rest of my family. That includes sisters that I am not currently talking to and to my dear brother who is afar. It is also for my sisters Kelly and Lori who are living in the same town, near Abby.


Learning to know someone is a process. It isn't something that happens overnight. As children, you learn how to interact with your family members and siblings. It is a process that takes years. Sometimes there will be fights, but you learn (many times by the parents demanding to do so) to kiss and make up. 


You learn each other's likes- as well as each other's dislikes. You learn to know just what it is that makes the other person tick and how to push their buttons. You learn how far you can push the other person before they finally break and-as in many cases-start chasing you around threatening to break every bone in your body, as you run and scream for your mother and father to save you.


These are things that you learn while growing up with someone. However, as my family has found out, things can be tough when a sibling who has been missing, to come back into our lives with an easy transition. We find out that, while this person is just like us, she is also different. We each have expectations that our family member is going to be just like us. But, we have to realize that our adopted siblings...our adopted parents...our adopted family are their own person. They had a life before they met you. They have their own likes and dislikes.


The thing that sets birth families who stay together with birth families who are separated apart is that birth families who stay together get to know each other over years, whereas the ones who have had a separation has to get to know each other as they are 'thrown' into each other's lives.


We must remember to be patient and to be kind. 


The child of adoption never 'asked' to be put up for adoption. They never did anything wrong. We owe it to them to get to know them and to allow them to get to know us.


I have heard many stories of reunions which didn't go the way that everyone had planned because either the adoptee, the birth parents or the siblings had other ideas of what the other would be like. This is because they never took the time to get to know the other person. 


And that is part the journey--that is the part that we must work at every day. 

Just Average People

It was a few days ago when I decided to put an end to the drama in my life. I've never been one to fuss and fight. I'm the one that runs from a fight. 


After my sisters had deleted me from their facebook accounts, I found myself checking in on them from other family member's accounts. I was watching as they posted negative comments about everyone. I went on my sister Kelly's account and saw some pretty horrible stuff that was said about me. I was letting the stress get to me. I had to make it stop. That's why I blocked them from my account. That's why I unsubscribed to several family member's posts. 

I had decided that I didn't need to do that. I was allowing negativity into my life. I have a busy life. I am a mother to four beautiful children and I am the wife of a full-time nursing student, and I am a Spanish major going into education. I am a busy woman.


Negativity brings you down. It zaps your energy and makes you weak. I am a  happy person. I can't live my life and allow negativity to drag me down. That's why I decided to post that I was not going to talk about it or let it bring me down. 


That is when Abby decided to do the same. Except she took it a step further. She blocked everyone in our family except Lori, Kelly, and myself from her facebook. It was as if my post had sparked some kind of thing in her that she felt she had to shed everyone from her life. 


She felt that this family has dragged her down. She said she didn't need all of the drama that came along with it. She told me that she wished she'd never been found.


Yes, she said it. And it hurt. I felt like I was responsible for her pain. I felt offended that my family wasn't good enough. I felt protective of our "Jerry Springer" family.


I wanted to shout, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH EVERY THIS FAMILY! WHY CAN'T WE GET ALONG!?"


That is when I talked to my best friend, Beth. You see, she has had a lot of similar things happen in her life that I have. As a matter-of-fact, her husband is an adoptee who found his family after 30 something years. She told me that adoptees grow up with this dream in their heads that they are going to be found one day by their birth parents. They dream that they are going to be doctors and lawyers-that they'd have this picture-perfect life and be the happiest family, where everyone got along and they live happily every after. But it doesn't happen that way.


The truth is that most adoptees are given up for adoption because their birth parents were screwed up themselves. I mean, who could give up a child if something in their lives wasn't completely screwed up?!?


What makes adoptees think that life is going to be all rosy? 


Our family has been messed up from day one. My father took my mother out of a dysfunctional home and she ran far away with him. Then he died. Oh great! He died. Then, here she is trying to raise six kids on her own. They all grow into rebellious teenagers who end up giving her very difficult times growing up.


Without our dad, we fell apart, somewhere along the line we all got screwed up. And now we are adults and our lives are completely different from each others. We expect to all get along because that's what families do, right? Not always.

Sometimes they get mad. Sometimes they fight. Sometimes the disown each other. But the bottom line is, you are family--regardless of your dysfunction. 


Just as my friend Beth said, "You find out that your birth family is just every day people. They are people with jobs and lives. They have drug problems. They have weight problems. They have money problems. They have emotional problems. They gossip. They fight. And they make up."


So, even though our family is not perfect. Even though we have our problems, we have to remember, we are family. Just a crazy, mixed up group of individuals from the same bloodline. Whether we grew up together or if we were separated by 47 years, we are family. 


So embrace it or pretend that it doesn't exist, but the reality is you are who you are and Abby, you are my sister.

Family Drama

A few days after I got home, I got a phone call from my sister Kelly; she had Abby on the other line. After a few moments, I got the feeling that Abby was on the road. I asked her where she was, "Colorado," was her answer. "Colorado!" I almost shouted! What on earth are you doing there? That's when I found out, she was on her way to Arkansas. She was moving to Mena, to be close to my sister Cathy.

I hadn't heard from Cathy in a while. Her and Connie were upset at me since my family and I had gone to Florida after the reunion. My sister and Connie had a history with this one. A year ago, my family and I had planned a vacation to Georgia. We were going to stay a couple of days and then go to Florida for a couple of days. My family wanted to spend some time with my mother, but also split the time with my friend in Florida. After all, Florida is the birthplace of two of my children. They hadn't seen it in years, and I hadn't seen my best friend in five years. That trip never happened because my sister and I had problems agreeing with my trip to Florida.

Fast forward to this year, and the same thing happened. My family went to Florida after Georgia, and well, you guessed it. I am no longer on speaking terms with Connie. She deleted me from her facebook account as if she was deleting me out of her life, again.

Anyway, that was the story, Abby was moving to Cathy's. At first everything was good at Cathy's. You know how it is, everything always goes good until the honeymoon is over. When they needed to talk about things that mattered, things got heated.

I do not know my sister Cathy's point-of-view because I never got that opportunity; Cathy deleted me from her facebook account the same way that Connie had.

So, the drama was beginning in our family again.

Abby told me that she was going back to Washington to be with people who loved her, who never treated her the way that she had been treated by this family. I begged her not to. I begged her to give our sister Kelly a chance. I told her that she would like Kelly. I told her that just because everyone else had horrible things to say about Kelly, she wasn't like that.

That's how Abby ended up in Missouri. She and her husband, again, moved on. 

A few days after Abby moved in with Kelly, things got bad between Kelly and Cathy. Cathy was accusing Kelly of being horrible, Kelly was accusing Cathy of being horrible. Cathy and Kelly are no longer speaking. Now, if only Lori and Kelly (who live in the same state) could get along and put their differences aside. 

A Quote by -Pema Chodron

"The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes."

Getting Some Things Off of My Chest

When Abby called me on our way home from Georgia I felt like I needed to get some things off of my chest. I didn't feel like things went the way that she would have liked them to. I had noticed some things at the reunion that I thought needed addressed. For one, why did it feel like Abby not getting the attention that I thought that she deserved? Don't get me wrong, she was getting plenty of attention from cousins and aunts and uncles, but was she getting enough attention from her siblings? 

I knew that I didn't feel like I had given her enough of my time at the reunion. I was so busy running around visiting with this one and the other, had I given her enough? So, it was with heavy heart that I retraced my steps at the reunion and took a closer look at how things went.

Was it my imagination or was she being tossed around? Looking for a place to fit in? Were us sisters treating her the way that she thought that she'd be treated? Did we involve her in all of our intimate conversations? Did we really treat her like family?

That final question is a good question, and it is a question that I feel has to be answered. Since Abby came into our family, we have all had a chance to look closer at our 'family unit'. Before the reunion, we had made jokes about ourselves. We said that our family reunion was going to make the worst episodes of Jerry Springer look like an episode of Sesame Street.

Would we all be able to get along? Several of us had tried to mend our ways, for the sake of Abby, before the reunion. Would I be able to get along with the one I'd been fighting with? How about the two that never showed, would they get along with each other? Would they get along with the ones that they were fighting with at the reunion? 

We laughed and joked that it was going to be like Eminem's song, "Two trailer park girls going 'round the outside, 'round the outside." We died laughing as we said, "Well, I can just avoid this one, by going around the tree when that one comes." And "If you see that one coming, just duck into the house." But did I really think that it would be that way? 

As it was, two of the siblings weren't able to make it. I told them that maybe it was for the best. Even though they wanted to meet Abby, maybe it was better to wait, so that it really wouldn't turn into that Jerry Springer episode.

As it was, when I first walked into the big house, I was approached by one sister who said, "The host is gonna freak out and kick everyone out." I was floored when I heard that. I mean, I hadn't been in the house for longer than five minutes before I heard that. What was going to happen for the whole day?

It seemed as though everyone got along. There were no knock-down drag outs, but as I said, I still felt a little awkward. Was it my imagination or were some sisters treating her 'different'? For example, why did some seem to be so clique-like with each other? Why did some stay home from the lake? Why didn't they come over to Mom's at all, until the day we left?

These are all question that I felt had to come to surface with Abby and I. I didn't feel like I was going to be able to be honest with her if I didn't tell her how I felt. So, that is what happened. I just  unloaded when I talked to her. I felt like maybe, if she was feeling the same way, that I would be validating her feelings.

The funny thing is, she agreed with me.

When I need refuge.

After bringing Abby to the Jacksonville airport, my husband and I decided to go to Orlando to visit with my best friend. We stayed for two days. It was much needed therapy after the deep sadness that I felt after leaving my family. 

The day we left had been incredibly sad. Somehow, it felt like a funeral to me. I knew that many of these people, including my own mother, I wouldn't get to see again. So, it was with a heavy heart, that we departed.

When I got to my friend's house, she naturally wanted to know how the reunion went. 

The truth was, I couldn't speak. It felt like a truck was on my intestines. Well, for one, several people had gotten ill the day after the reunion. Some people were hinting at food poisoning (I read that there was an outbreak of E.Coli in several states, including Georgia).

With my stomach twirling from leaving my mom and Abby, with knowing that I would miss my brother, my sister, and all of my extended family, with driving such long distances within just a couple of days, with the excitement of not seeing my best friend for years, and with a strange sickness that had made me incredibly weak, I had no energy or emotion left to speak.

As my friend asked me questions, I just answered that I couldn't speak. That I had no energy, no will, to speak. I asked her if I could just finish the delicious piña colada that she'd given me, and relax by her pool . 

The next day, Abby called me. I asked her how she felt about the reunion. I told her that I had some misgivings about some of the events that had transpired at the reunion.

What I didn't know was that the proverbial 'stuff' was just about to hit the fan.

Goodbye Doesn't Have to be Forever

Goodbye is always the hardest part. But this goodbye doesn't have to be forever.

What Hurts the Most...

The final day was the hardest. It was so hard to walk away from everyone that I loved. Watching everyone crying, crying myself, and feeling all of the pain was nearly unbearable.


I knew that time had to come, and come it did.

Not only did we have to say goodbye to our mother...we had to say goodbye to our Abby.

Words can not express this moment, so I will let the pictures do the talking. 

Making Memories with Abby

The next morning, my mother woke up early to go to church. Stephanie had given her and the children some Eggo's for breakfast and when the church bus came, we said goodbye to mom for a few  hours. Not long after, Abby came over.


I was so happy to see her. The day before was just a blur and I knew that I hadn't spent nearly enough time with her. She had brought some pictures of her when she was just a child.

We sat there and looked at pictures together. We looked at all of her memories- memories that we, as a family of adoption, did not share. She showed me herself in Hawaii, Venezuela, Aruba...She sure did have an exciting life as a child.


She was happy to show me her pictures of her graduation from EMT school and of weddings and parties-and I was happy to look at them.

She was sharing her memories with me, and I loved it.


After looking though pictures, we just sat next to each other on the sofa and held hands. We searched each other's hands then. Of course, then our feet, and our arms and skin, oh yeah, we did. 


It was nice to be her sister. 

Then she told me that I was the first one to do that with her. I was very proud.

When my mother came home from church, my daughter Molly, who had taken a liking to her "Damma" and couldn't wait for her return, went out to meet her.

After my mother came in, someone came and told us then that we were going to go the lake. I thought that was a great idea! We got our things together and started to head out. "But, wait a minute," I thought. Where was everyone else? 


Amber, Cathy and Connie had decided to stay home and it was going to be just Stephanie, Sammy, Abby, Joey, Casey, Ryan, Mom, and my little family (Patrick and children).


I worried about my mother at first, in the water. But she took to the water like a golden retriever that was just waiting for the okay to go in.

We had a really nice time that day. We were making memories with Abby.

Time Flies, Doesn't It?

After Abby and I hugged for a very long time, I turned around to see other family members standing around waiting to greet me. I felt like I was on a carousel, going from one person to the next. People I hadn't seen in years. My Aunt Sandy was there, when I turned around, it was Aunt Debbie, when I turned around again, it was my brother, my cousins Jessica and Krista. When I did another spin, my nieces were there, Stephanie, Tiffany, Amber, Sammy, I hugged all of them, greeted them for a moment and spun on to the next. My sisters came out Connie and Cathy...still more...


I wondered among all of these people where Abby had gone. She had gone to get her camera. I kept my eye on her. I felt a special bond with her and I felt like I had to keep her in my vision.


I also wondered where my mother was. I hadn't seen her in over five years. I made my way up to the home. More people, Uncle Robert, Cousin Jeffery, cousins, in laws, one after the other.


I made my way into the house. The house was full of people moving around. Some were getting drinks, some were making food. I called for my mom. My Uncle Robert had come with me, he told me that maybe she was at the other house. So we took a walk over there.


We walked into her little home that is kept by my sister. "Mom?!"  I hollered? "Where are you?" My Uncle Robert said that maybe she was in her bedroom changing. So I walked up to her door and knocked.


When I walked into my mom's room, my heart just broke. There she stood in just her bra and panties. She was struggling to put her clothes on. I went to her and embraced her. God, I had missed her so much. So many years had passed between us and here she was standing next to me and I was holding her and hugging her and I never wanted to let her go.


"Here, let me help you get dressed," I said. I helped her put her shirt on, but not before she asked me to scratch her back. I lovingly did so. Anything for my mom. I took in her form. Her body had changed so much. No longer was she the plump momma that I had grown up with, instead, she had the body of a woman who once was strong but now was frail and fragile.


I lifted her shirt over her head and helped her to straighten her shoulder pads and button her buttons straight. I helped her lift one leg at a time into her short pants. Finally, we tucked her shirt in nice and tight.


I scrambled around her bedroom looking for a brush, but I couldn't find one. I searched the bathroom and finally came up with one. I had also ran into some body spray of my niece's who was staying in that house for the reunion. I quickly grabbed some hair spray and the elastic band from my daughter's hair and asked my mother to have a seat.


It felt so good to do this for my mother. For all of my childhood years, my mother had taken care of me, she had put my clothes on, made me smell clean and fresh, and made my hair pretty. I wanted to do the same for her.


Finally, when we were done, we walked over to the 'Big House', which is what I called my sister's home on the adjoining property.


When we walked in, there was a lot of hustle and bustle. I had remembered that I still hadn't sought Abby out again. She was flitting in and out of my view. I had wanted to take a shower, so I went outside to grab my things. After I had cleaned up some, I felt a lot better, but going on such little amount of sleep, I still felt out of it.


Someone handed me a margarita. I was actually glad to have a drink, but no more drinks came my way. I really don't know what happened, but they were either out of alcohol or were not serving it anymore, so that one margarita had to last me.


My mother was sitting comfortably in the living room and so I decided to find Abby, but I kept getting distracted by people. It was a welcome distraction, because after all, some of these people, I hadn't seen in many years.


I kept going outside because my children were playing out there. I have a lot of issues with worrying about my children. There were a lot of woods around and I was worried they'd walk off and get lost or end up in the horse pen and get trampled. Therefore, I stayed outside and chatted with the smokers.


My nephews Joey and Ryan had went to get some beer so I followed them over to Mom's home and took a couple of beers to go. I found out that Ryan is a really great guy. He's funny and charming and very handsome.


Time just kept slipping by and I felt like I was spending too much time outside. It was extremely hot out and the smoke pit was radiating heat like the bowels of hell right next to the patio.


Where was Abby. In and out. Out and in. We kept missing each other. We'd speak for a moment and we'd walk away. Someone would grab her, someone would grab me. Back and forth like swinging on a park swing.


By the time my uncle, aunt and brother were leaving, I remembered that I hadn't gotten any photographs of anyone together. I quickly grabbed my camera and asked them to go back inside.

I was happy that I got some pictures of Mom and her siblings. I only wish that I could have gotten some better photos of everyone. I did manage to get a group shot but it was after some people had already left.

As you can see in the picture above, my mother is holding my daughter Molly. That was very endearing to me because my daughter is very shy. She ended up sleeping on my mom's lap for a really long time.

As the day slowly disappeared into night, Abby showed her skill horse skills and her humor.

And finally, to finish off the day, Ryan serenaded his newly-found Grandma and Aunt next to a roaring bonfire. Abby was proud of her son. He was so proud to be singing with his Grandma. He played song after song. We laughed, we cried, we sang.

After the fire died down, I went to sleep at Mom's house. Abby slept at Connie's. As I went to sleep, I thought about the day and how quickly it had gone. I thought about how I didn't get to spend enough time with Abby. Then, there was also my brother, who was only there for a short time, and now I would't see him for many years to come. 


I knew that I'd have to spend more time with everyone the next day, because the day after, we would all be leaving.


For some reason, the lyrics to this song talk to me:

hold on, because we are going too fast tonight and

hold on, because we cant stop this wave that's crashing down

because we're trying too hard, it's tearing us apart

maybe now's still not the right time

Should I Pat or Should I Squeeze?

The road can be incredibly unforgiving when you have four children in tow. My husband and I packed our trusty eight-year-old Kia Sedona up and headed out. Not before my sister Kelly had called and made a last-ditch effort for us to make a swing by her house to get her.


Kelly lives in Missouri, and I live in Arkansas. It was going to be an extra six hours if we were going to get her. If you think a 20-hour trip with two early teens fussing and fighting sounds like a bad idea, take a 21 month old and a 3 1/2 year old, then add another 6 hours on top of that. After discussing it with my husband, we decided that we, regrettably, could not take the trip. My sister Kelly was deeply disappointed because that meant, that along with our other sister Lori, she couldn't make it.


Of course the first part of the trip went smoothly. We were planning to drive the whole trip in one night. Originally, we were going to drive out the day before, but plans were changed and we had to do it all at once. By the time we hit Birmingham (4 am), we decided we had to stop at a Walmart parking lot and try to close our eyes. At about the time the sun was rising, we set off again.


When we got to Georgia, my sleepiness became giddiness. I was getting very excited to meet my sister for the first time. I kept thinking of how she had gotten there the day before me, and of how I had missed the initial meeting. Abby had gotten there around midnight on Thursday/Friday. Cathy arrived on Friday afternoon, and since the reunion was on Saturday, I'd be arriving just about the same time the rest of the families would arrive.


In the van, I kept my eye on the clock. I had wanted to arrive a little ahead of time since I had been in the car so long. I began to imagine how things were going to go when I got there. Who would come out to greet me? I wondered, "How did Abby get greeted?"


I then began to wonder about hugs. When Connie greeted her at the airport, I wonder what kind of hug she gave Abby? Then, How about Mom? How did Mom and her hug? And, Cathy? How did she hug her?


I wondered if the hugs were big. I wondered if the hugs were small. Were the hugs genuine? Were they made up out of duty? I wondered what kind of hug would I give her?


Along with my obsession over hugs, I began to think of our mother. I imagined what her meeting was like with Abby. Did they cry? Did the hold each other forever? How did it go?


As we got closer, I began to cry many hot tears and well, I even let out a few heavy sobs.


By the time I got there, I wasn't sure if I was ready or not. I began to get a little panicky over the whole thing.


We pulled up and parked the car. I looked around the property (quite a spread with horses/animals, two homes) for people. Sure enough, by the time I opened my door, I could see her. I could see Abby, there was no denying her. She walked purposely up to the car like a soldier on a mission.


When grabbed on to each other, there were no thoughts of what kind of hug I was going to give her. We embraced like two best friends who had not seen each other for many, many years. We hugged like couple in love, who had been separated by years of war. We hugged for hurt. We hugged for love. We hugged. And we hugged. Tears flowing like rain. We hugged.

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

Here is what I learned about my sister Abby: 


She spent most of her life dreaming about her mother. She dreamed of lying in her lap, while her mother stroked her hair. She dreamed of what her family would be like. If she had sisters that she could share things with...maybe a brother to look up to. 


She wanted her family. She wanted to be home with them where she belonged. 


Abby traveled so many places in her life. She'd been to Venezuela and Hawaii and nearly all of the states in the USA. She moved around quite a lot. 


One thing she held on to was her dream of one day meeting her mother. She'd moved so much already in her past, that it seemed to Abby that she'd never settle down, she'd never have a home.


She had her heart broken many times, but with each knock that the world gave her, she didn't fall down, she only got stronger. 


She met her first husband and had two handsome sons. While her marriage may have broken apart, her spirit did not. She kept dreaming of one day going home to see her mom. 


She laughed, she cried, she dreamed... 

Abby finally met her prince charming and fell happily in love and married him. They moved to the Northwest and thought that they would finally settle down. Yet, that yearning in Abby's soul did not. 


She still felt pulled to find her mother. 


For many years, an invisible force had been trying to connect Abby with her birth family. For example: 


 -a few times, they lived in the same town as each other 
-she worked at the same restaurant as her sister (a few years apart) 
-she lived in the same town in Texas that her sister traveled through just months before they connected
-she lives in the same town that her mother lived in in Washington. (As a matter of fact, she sees the same mountain every day that her mother had looked at over sixty years before her.)


Then one day, Abby got a message from out of the blue. Someone was calling her 'sister'. Could it be?


__________________________________________


On May 5, 2012, Abby will meet her birth family for the first time. She is travelling to Georgia to meet the Mom she's always wanted to know. She will finally meet:


 -Mom 
-brother Terry 
-sisters, Cathy, Connie, and Evelyn (if God allows it also Lori and Kelly)
 -Aunts and Uncles 
-Cousins 
-Nieces and Nephews 


 Yes, Abby is finally coming home to us!!


What started as a small reunion has become quite large. My sister Connie posted a facebook yard sale ad asking if anyone had tables and chairs that they could loan her. She told the story of what had transpired and strangers were touched. They began offering donations of food, money, and party equipment. Someone even called the local newspaper. 


 A small community has come together to help welcome Abby home. 


 All I have to say is, "Abby Lynn: Who Says You Can't Go Home?"