It was a few days ago when I decided to put an end to the drama in my life. I've never been one to fuss and fight. I'm the one that runs from a fight.
After my sisters had deleted me from their facebook accounts, I found myself checking in on them from other family member's accounts. I was watching as they posted negative comments about everyone. I went on my sister Kelly's account and saw some pretty horrible stuff that was said about me. I was letting the stress get to me. I had to make it stop. That's why I blocked them from my account. That's why I unsubscribed to several family member's posts.
I had decided that I didn't need to do that. I was allowing negativity into my life. I have a busy life. I am a mother to four beautiful children and I am the wife of a full-time nursing student, and I am a Spanish major going into education. I am a busy woman.
Negativity brings you down. It zaps your energy and makes you weak. I am a happy person. I can't live my life and allow negativity to drag me down. That's why I decided to post that I was not going to talk about it or let it bring me down.
That is when Abby decided to do the same. Except she took it a step further. She blocked everyone in our family except Lori, Kelly, and myself from her facebook. It was as if my post had sparked some kind of thing in her that she felt she had to shed everyone from her life.
She felt that this family has dragged her down. She said she didn't need all of the drama that came along with it. She told me that she wished she'd never been found.
Yes, she said it. And it hurt. I felt like I was responsible for her pain. I felt offended that my family wasn't good enough. I felt protective of our "Jerry Springer" family.
I wanted to shout, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH EVERY THIS FAMILY! WHY CAN'T WE GET ALONG!?"
That is when I talked to my best friend, Beth. You see, she has had a lot of similar things happen in her life that I have. As a matter-of-fact, her husband is an adoptee who found his family after 30 something years. She told me that adoptees grow up with this dream in their heads that they are going to be found one day by their birth parents. They dream that they are going to be doctors and lawyers-that they'd have this picture-perfect life and be the happiest family, where everyone got along and they live happily every after. But it doesn't happen that way.
The truth is that most adoptees are given up for adoption because their birth parents were screwed up themselves. I mean, who could give up a child if something in their lives wasn't completely screwed up?!?
What makes adoptees think that life is going to be all rosy?
Our family has been messed up from day one. My father took my mother out of a dysfunctional home and she ran far away with him. Then he died. Oh great! He died. Then, here she is trying to raise six kids on her own. They all grow into rebellious teenagers who end up giving her very difficult times growing up.
Without our dad, we fell apart, somewhere along the line we all got screwed up. And now we are adults and our lives are completely different from each others. We expect to all get along because that's what families do, right? Not always.
Sometimes they get mad. Sometimes they fight. Sometimes the disown each other. But the bottom line is, you are family--regardless of your dysfunction.
Just as my friend Beth said, "You find out that your birth family is just every day people. They are people with jobs and lives. They have drug problems. They have weight problems. They have money problems. They have emotional problems. They gossip. They fight. And they make up."
So, even though our family is not perfect. Even though we have our problems, we have to remember, we are family. Just a crazy, mixed up group of individuals from the same bloodline. Whether we grew up together or if we were separated by 47 years, we are family.
So embrace it or pretend that it doesn't exist, but the reality is you are who you are and Abby, you are my sister.
"The truth is that most adoptees are given up for adoption because their birth parents were screwed up themselves. I mean, who could give up a child if something in their lives wasn't completely screwed up?!?"
ReplyDelete"Most"? Umm, no.
The fact is that MANY women were forced to surrender their children, or had absolutely NO resources to parent- especially during the Baby Scoop Era. No child support enforcement, no fair housing- even married pregnant women were fired from their jobs because of their "condition".
Of course there are some women who were "screwed up"...but by and large, it was lack of resources, family support, and coercion from the adoption industry.
I'm sure this is true. My grandparents hid my mother, even though she was 30 years old, when she was pregnant. She said that she was ashamed. She says she wished that she was 'woman' enough to stand up for them and to keep them.
ReplyDeleteJust as hindsight, I remember a time when I was with my mother when she was embarrassed of me. I was 8 months pregnant and we were in a fabric store buying fabric because she was making my dress. I kept talking about my 'wedding' dress and she kept shooshing me because I was a 'pregnant bride'.
It was a different world back then for sure. However, I know first hand that my mother's situation was certainly a messy one. So many times in my life, I wondered if the children weren't better off raised away from us. Especially now, the way our family is so dysfunctional.
Thanks for your comment. I believe you are right and there was lack of support from families. However, in my mother's case, I don't believe she wanted her parent's kind of support.
Yes- every adoption has a different story.
ReplyDeleteEvy, I am somewhat relieved to read your story. I'm in a similar boat and after 36 years I feel I'd rather I've on and cut my last 2 siblings out. I have put up with too much and I'm hurt. They've been unsupportive since day 1. It's weighing me down and I can't do it any more.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that you've not had an easy time. I just wonder where everything is going to go from here. I keep thinking one day that my other sisters will come around. I don't know. I feel it's therapeutic to put our story out there. Abby will start writing her own blog-her own take on all that's happened. I think that will help. Are you an adoptee then? Blessings x
DeleteAbby will not be writing a blog.. but rather a book. And it has been a part of the plan since omg.. I can't remember! However this book has taken avery drastic turn! It ha taken on a much different meaning!
ReplyDelete