Just Average People

It was a few days ago when I decided to put an end to the drama in my life. I've never been one to fuss and fight. I'm the one that runs from a fight. 


After my sisters had deleted me from their facebook accounts, I found myself checking in on them from other family member's accounts. I was watching as they posted negative comments about everyone. I went on my sister Kelly's account and saw some pretty horrible stuff that was said about me. I was letting the stress get to me. I had to make it stop. That's why I blocked them from my account. That's why I unsubscribed to several family member's posts. 

I had decided that I didn't need to do that. I was allowing negativity into my life. I have a busy life. I am a mother to four beautiful children and I am the wife of a full-time nursing student, and I am a Spanish major going into education. I am a busy woman.


Negativity brings you down. It zaps your energy and makes you weak. I am a  happy person. I can't live my life and allow negativity to drag me down. That's why I decided to post that I was not going to talk about it or let it bring me down. 


That is when Abby decided to do the same. Except she took it a step further. She blocked everyone in our family except Lori, Kelly, and myself from her facebook. It was as if my post had sparked some kind of thing in her that she felt she had to shed everyone from her life. 


She felt that this family has dragged her down. She said she didn't need all of the drama that came along with it. She told me that she wished she'd never been found.


Yes, she said it. And it hurt. I felt like I was responsible for her pain. I felt offended that my family wasn't good enough. I felt protective of our "Jerry Springer" family.


I wanted to shout, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH EVERY THIS FAMILY! WHY CAN'T WE GET ALONG!?"


That is when I talked to my best friend, Beth. You see, she has had a lot of similar things happen in her life that I have. As a matter-of-fact, her husband is an adoptee who found his family after 30 something years. She told me that adoptees grow up with this dream in their heads that they are going to be found one day by their birth parents. They dream that they are going to be doctors and lawyers-that they'd have this picture-perfect life and be the happiest family, where everyone got along and they live happily every after. But it doesn't happen that way.


The truth is that most adoptees are given up for adoption because their birth parents were screwed up themselves. I mean, who could give up a child if something in their lives wasn't completely screwed up?!?


What makes adoptees think that life is going to be all rosy? 


Our family has been messed up from day one. My father took my mother out of a dysfunctional home and she ran far away with him. Then he died. Oh great! He died. Then, here she is trying to raise six kids on her own. They all grow into rebellious teenagers who end up giving her very difficult times growing up.


Without our dad, we fell apart, somewhere along the line we all got screwed up. And now we are adults and our lives are completely different from each others. We expect to all get along because that's what families do, right? Not always.

Sometimes they get mad. Sometimes they fight. Sometimes the disown each other. But the bottom line is, you are family--regardless of your dysfunction. 


Just as my friend Beth said, "You find out that your birth family is just every day people. They are people with jobs and lives. They have drug problems. They have weight problems. They have money problems. They have emotional problems. They gossip. They fight. And they make up."


So, even though our family is not perfect. Even though we have our problems, we have to remember, we are family. Just a crazy, mixed up group of individuals from the same bloodline. Whether we grew up together or if we were separated by 47 years, we are family. 


So embrace it or pretend that it doesn't exist, but the reality is you are who you are and Abby, you are my sister.

Family Drama

A few days after I got home, I got a phone call from my sister Kelly; she had Abby on the other line. After a few moments, I got the feeling that Abby was on the road. I asked her where she was, "Colorado," was her answer. "Colorado!" I almost shouted! What on earth are you doing there? That's when I found out, she was on her way to Arkansas. She was moving to Mena, to be close to my sister Cathy.

I hadn't heard from Cathy in a while. Her and Connie were upset at me since my family and I had gone to Florida after the reunion. My sister and Connie had a history with this one. A year ago, my family and I had planned a vacation to Georgia. We were going to stay a couple of days and then go to Florida for a couple of days. My family wanted to spend some time with my mother, but also split the time with my friend in Florida. After all, Florida is the birthplace of two of my children. They hadn't seen it in years, and I hadn't seen my best friend in five years. That trip never happened because my sister and I had problems agreeing with my trip to Florida.

Fast forward to this year, and the same thing happened. My family went to Florida after Georgia, and well, you guessed it. I am no longer on speaking terms with Connie. She deleted me from her facebook account as if she was deleting me out of her life, again.

Anyway, that was the story, Abby was moving to Cathy's. At first everything was good at Cathy's. You know how it is, everything always goes good until the honeymoon is over. When they needed to talk about things that mattered, things got heated.

I do not know my sister Cathy's point-of-view because I never got that opportunity; Cathy deleted me from her facebook account the same way that Connie had.

So, the drama was beginning in our family again.

Abby told me that she was going back to Washington to be with people who loved her, who never treated her the way that she had been treated by this family. I begged her not to. I begged her to give our sister Kelly a chance. I told her that she would like Kelly. I told her that just because everyone else had horrible things to say about Kelly, she wasn't like that.

That's how Abby ended up in Missouri. She and her husband, again, moved on. 

A few days after Abby moved in with Kelly, things got bad between Kelly and Cathy. Cathy was accusing Kelly of being horrible, Kelly was accusing Cathy of being horrible. Cathy and Kelly are no longer speaking. Now, if only Lori and Kelly (who live in the same state) could get along and put their differences aside. 

A Quote by -Pema Chodron

"The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes."

Getting Some Things Off of My Chest

When Abby called me on our way home from Georgia I felt like I needed to get some things off of my chest. I didn't feel like things went the way that she would have liked them to. I had noticed some things at the reunion that I thought needed addressed. For one, why did it feel like Abby not getting the attention that I thought that she deserved? Don't get me wrong, she was getting plenty of attention from cousins and aunts and uncles, but was she getting enough attention from her siblings? 

I knew that I didn't feel like I had given her enough of my time at the reunion. I was so busy running around visiting with this one and the other, had I given her enough? So, it was with heavy heart that I retraced my steps at the reunion and took a closer look at how things went.

Was it my imagination or was she being tossed around? Looking for a place to fit in? Were us sisters treating her the way that she thought that she'd be treated? Did we involve her in all of our intimate conversations? Did we really treat her like family?

That final question is a good question, and it is a question that I feel has to be answered. Since Abby came into our family, we have all had a chance to look closer at our 'family unit'. Before the reunion, we had made jokes about ourselves. We said that our family reunion was going to make the worst episodes of Jerry Springer look like an episode of Sesame Street.

Would we all be able to get along? Several of us had tried to mend our ways, for the sake of Abby, before the reunion. Would I be able to get along with the one I'd been fighting with? How about the two that never showed, would they get along with each other? Would they get along with the ones that they were fighting with at the reunion? 

We laughed and joked that it was going to be like Eminem's song, "Two trailer park girls going 'round the outside, 'round the outside." We died laughing as we said, "Well, I can just avoid this one, by going around the tree when that one comes." And "If you see that one coming, just duck into the house." But did I really think that it would be that way? 

As it was, two of the siblings weren't able to make it. I told them that maybe it was for the best. Even though they wanted to meet Abby, maybe it was better to wait, so that it really wouldn't turn into that Jerry Springer episode.

As it was, when I first walked into the big house, I was approached by one sister who said, "The host is gonna freak out and kick everyone out." I was floored when I heard that. I mean, I hadn't been in the house for longer than five minutes before I heard that. What was going to happen for the whole day?

It seemed as though everyone got along. There were no knock-down drag outs, but as I said, I still felt a little awkward. Was it my imagination or were some sisters treating her 'different'? For example, why did some seem to be so clique-like with each other? Why did some stay home from the lake? Why didn't they come over to Mom's at all, until the day we left?

These are all question that I felt had to come to surface with Abby and I. I didn't feel like I was going to be able to be honest with her if I didn't tell her how I felt. So, that is what happened. I just  unloaded when I talked to her. I felt like maybe, if she was feeling the same way, that I would be validating her feelings.

The funny thing is, she agreed with me.

When I need refuge.

After bringing Abby to the Jacksonville airport, my husband and I decided to go to Orlando to visit with my best friend. We stayed for two days. It was much needed therapy after the deep sadness that I felt after leaving my family. 

The day we left had been incredibly sad. Somehow, it felt like a funeral to me. I knew that many of these people, including my own mother, I wouldn't get to see again. So, it was with a heavy heart, that we departed.

When I got to my friend's house, she naturally wanted to know how the reunion went. 

The truth was, I couldn't speak. It felt like a truck was on my intestines. Well, for one, several people had gotten ill the day after the reunion. Some people were hinting at food poisoning (I read that there was an outbreak of E.Coli in several states, including Georgia).

With my stomach twirling from leaving my mom and Abby, with knowing that I would miss my brother, my sister, and all of my extended family, with driving such long distances within just a couple of days, with the excitement of not seeing my best friend for years, and with a strange sickness that had made me incredibly weak, I had no energy or emotion left to speak.

As my friend asked me questions, I just answered that I couldn't speak. That I had no energy, no will, to speak. I asked her if I could just finish the delicious piña colada that she'd given me, and relax by her pool . 

The next day, Abby called me. I asked her how she felt about the reunion. I told her that I had some misgivings about some of the events that had transpired at the reunion.

What I didn't know was that the proverbial 'stuff' was just about to hit the fan.

Goodbye Doesn't Have to be Forever

Goodbye is always the hardest part. But this goodbye doesn't have to be forever.

What Hurts the Most...

The final day was the hardest. It was so hard to walk away from everyone that I loved. Watching everyone crying, crying myself, and feeling all of the pain was nearly unbearable.


I knew that time had to come, and come it did.

Not only did we have to say goodbye to our mother...we had to say goodbye to our Abby.

Words can not express this moment, so I will let the pictures do the talking. 

Making Memories with Abby

The next morning, my mother woke up early to go to church. Stephanie had given her and the children some Eggo's for breakfast and when the church bus came, we said goodbye to mom for a few  hours. Not long after, Abby came over.


I was so happy to see her. The day before was just a blur and I knew that I hadn't spent nearly enough time with her. She had brought some pictures of her when she was just a child.

We sat there and looked at pictures together. We looked at all of her memories- memories that we, as a family of adoption, did not share. She showed me herself in Hawaii, Venezuela, Aruba...She sure did have an exciting life as a child.


She was happy to show me her pictures of her graduation from EMT school and of weddings and parties-and I was happy to look at them.

She was sharing her memories with me, and I loved it.


After looking though pictures, we just sat next to each other on the sofa and held hands. We searched each other's hands then. Of course, then our feet, and our arms and skin, oh yeah, we did. 


It was nice to be her sister. 

Then she told me that I was the first one to do that with her. I was very proud.

When my mother came home from church, my daughter Molly, who had taken a liking to her "Damma" and couldn't wait for her return, went out to meet her.

After my mother came in, someone came and told us then that we were going to go the lake. I thought that was a great idea! We got our things together and started to head out. "But, wait a minute," I thought. Where was everyone else? 


Amber, Cathy and Connie had decided to stay home and it was going to be just Stephanie, Sammy, Abby, Joey, Casey, Ryan, Mom, and my little family (Patrick and children).


I worried about my mother at first, in the water. But she took to the water like a golden retriever that was just waiting for the okay to go in.

We had a really nice time that day. We were making memories with Abby.

Time Flies, Doesn't It?

After Abby and I hugged for a very long time, I turned around to see other family members standing around waiting to greet me. I felt like I was on a carousel, going from one person to the next. People I hadn't seen in years. My Aunt Sandy was there, when I turned around, it was Aunt Debbie, when I turned around again, it was my brother, my cousins Jessica and Krista. When I did another spin, my nieces were there, Stephanie, Tiffany, Amber, Sammy, I hugged all of them, greeted them for a moment and spun on to the next. My sisters came out Connie and Cathy...still more...


I wondered among all of these people where Abby had gone. She had gone to get her camera. I kept my eye on her. I felt a special bond with her and I felt like I had to keep her in my vision.


I also wondered where my mother was. I hadn't seen her in over five years. I made my way up to the home. More people, Uncle Robert, Cousin Jeffery, cousins, in laws, one after the other.


I made my way into the house. The house was full of people moving around. Some were getting drinks, some were making food. I called for my mom. My Uncle Robert had come with me, he told me that maybe she was at the other house. So we took a walk over there.


We walked into her little home that is kept by my sister. "Mom?!"  I hollered? "Where are you?" My Uncle Robert said that maybe she was in her bedroom changing. So I walked up to her door and knocked.


When I walked into my mom's room, my heart just broke. There she stood in just her bra and panties. She was struggling to put her clothes on. I went to her and embraced her. God, I had missed her so much. So many years had passed between us and here she was standing next to me and I was holding her and hugging her and I never wanted to let her go.


"Here, let me help you get dressed," I said. I helped her put her shirt on, but not before she asked me to scratch her back. I lovingly did so. Anything for my mom. I took in her form. Her body had changed so much. No longer was she the plump momma that I had grown up with, instead, she had the body of a woman who once was strong but now was frail and fragile.


I lifted her shirt over her head and helped her to straighten her shoulder pads and button her buttons straight. I helped her lift one leg at a time into her short pants. Finally, we tucked her shirt in nice and tight.


I scrambled around her bedroom looking for a brush, but I couldn't find one. I searched the bathroom and finally came up with one. I had also ran into some body spray of my niece's who was staying in that house for the reunion. I quickly grabbed some hair spray and the elastic band from my daughter's hair and asked my mother to have a seat.


It felt so good to do this for my mother. For all of my childhood years, my mother had taken care of me, she had put my clothes on, made me smell clean and fresh, and made my hair pretty. I wanted to do the same for her.


Finally, when we were done, we walked over to the 'Big House', which is what I called my sister's home on the adjoining property.


When we walked in, there was a lot of hustle and bustle. I had remembered that I still hadn't sought Abby out again. She was flitting in and out of my view. I had wanted to take a shower, so I went outside to grab my things. After I had cleaned up some, I felt a lot better, but going on such little amount of sleep, I still felt out of it.


Someone handed me a margarita. I was actually glad to have a drink, but no more drinks came my way. I really don't know what happened, but they were either out of alcohol or were not serving it anymore, so that one margarita had to last me.


My mother was sitting comfortably in the living room and so I decided to find Abby, but I kept getting distracted by people. It was a welcome distraction, because after all, some of these people, I hadn't seen in many years.


I kept going outside because my children were playing out there. I have a lot of issues with worrying about my children. There were a lot of woods around and I was worried they'd walk off and get lost or end up in the horse pen and get trampled. Therefore, I stayed outside and chatted with the smokers.


My nephews Joey and Ryan had went to get some beer so I followed them over to Mom's home and took a couple of beers to go. I found out that Ryan is a really great guy. He's funny and charming and very handsome.


Time just kept slipping by and I felt like I was spending too much time outside. It was extremely hot out and the smoke pit was radiating heat like the bowels of hell right next to the patio.


Where was Abby. In and out. Out and in. We kept missing each other. We'd speak for a moment and we'd walk away. Someone would grab her, someone would grab me. Back and forth like swinging on a park swing.


By the time my uncle, aunt and brother were leaving, I remembered that I hadn't gotten any photographs of anyone together. I quickly grabbed my camera and asked them to go back inside.

I was happy that I got some pictures of Mom and her siblings. I only wish that I could have gotten some better photos of everyone. I did manage to get a group shot but it was after some people had already left.

As you can see in the picture above, my mother is holding my daughter Molly. That was very endearing to me because my daughter is very shy. She ended up sleeping on my mom's lap for a really long time.

As the day slowly disappeared into night, Abby showed her skill horse skills and her humor.

And finally, to finish off the day, Ryan serenaded his newly-found Grandma and Aunt next to a roaring bonfire. Abby was proud of her son. He was so proud to be singing with his Grandma. He played song after song. We laughed, we cried, we sang.

After the fire died down, I went to sleep at Mom's house. Abby slept at Connie's. As I went to sleep, I thought about the day and how quickly it had gone. I thought about how I didn't get to spend enough time with Abby. Then, there was also my brother, who was only there for a short time, and now I would't see him for many years to come. 


I knew that I'd have to spend more time with everyone the next day, because the day after, we would all be leaving.


For some reason, the lyrics to this song talk to me:

hold on, because we are going too fast tonight and

hold on, because we cant stop this wave that's crashing down

because we're trying too hard, it's tearing us apart

maybe now's still not the right time

Should I Pat or Should I Squeeze?

The road can be incredibly unforgiving when you have four children in tow. My husband and I packed our trusty eight-year-old Kia Sedona up and headed out. Not before my sister Kelly had called and made a last-ditch effort for us to make a swing by her house to get her.


Kelly lives in Missouri, and I live in Arkansas. It was going to be an extra six hours if we were going to get her. If you think a 20-hour trip with two early teens fussing and fighting sounds like a bad idea, take a 21 month old and a 3 1/2 year old, then add another 6 hours on top of that. After discussing it with my husband, we decided that we, regrettably, could not take the trip. My sister Kelly was deeply disappointed because that meant, that along with our other sister Lori, she couldn't make it.


Of course the first part of the trip went smoothly. We were planning to drive the whole trip in one night. Originally, we were going to drive out the day before, but plans were changed and we had to do it all at once. By the time we hit Birmingham (4 am), we decided we had to stop at a Walmart parking lot and try to close our eyes. At about the time the sun was rising, we set off again.


When we got to Georgia, my sleepiness became giddiness. I was getting very excited to meet my sister for the first time. I kept thinking of how she had gotten there the day before me, and of how I had missed the initial meeting. Abby had gotten there around midnight on Thursday/Friday. Cathy arrived on Friday afternoon, and since the reunion was on Saturday, I'd be arriving just about the same time the rest of the families would arrive.


In the van, I kept my eye on the clock. I had wanted to arrive a little ahead of time since I had been in the car so long. I began to imagine how things were going to go when I got there. Who would come out to greet me? I wondered, "How did Abby get greeted?"


I then began to wonder about hugs. When Connie greeted her at the airport, I wonder what kind of hug she gave Abby? Then, How about Mom? How did Mom and her hug? And, Cathy? How did she hug her?


I wondered if the hugs were big. I wondered if the hugs were small. Were the hugs genuine? Were they made up out of duty? I wondered what kind of hug would I give her?


Along with my obsession over hugs, I began to think of our mother. I imagined what her meeting was like with Abby. Did they cry? Did the hold each other forever? How did it go?


As we got closer, I began to cry many hot tears and well, I even let out a few heavy sobs.


By the time I got there, I wasn't sure if I was ready or not. I began to get a little panicky over the whole thing.


We pulled up and parked the car. I looked around the property (quite a spread with horses/animals, two homes) for people. Sure enough, by the time I opened my door, I could see her. I could see Abby, there was no denying her. She walked purposely up to the car like a soldier on a mission.


When grabbed on to each other, there were no thoughts of what kind of hug I was going to give her. We embraced like two best friends who had not seen each other for many, many years. We hugged like couple in love, who had been separated by years of war. We hugged for hurt. We hugged for love. We hugged. And we hugged. Tears flowing like rain. We hugged.